I used to love rainy days. I don’t mean that I loved them like a professional adult, book in one hand and coffee in the other,  curled up under a blanket in my reading chair, cat beside me.

On the contrary.

Not too long ago, I jumped in puddles, spun in the raindrops and looked up to watch the drops get larger as they fell on my face. Stuck out my tongue and tasted the wild, tasted the free.

Rainy days demand dancing! They beckon me to come and get wet, to twirl and bask in the dampened sunlight with a child’s inhibition, not worried about catching a cold or looking insane to the neighbors peering out windows and drivers splashing by, safe from humiliation inside their cars.

Life has changed for me, and not by my choice. A rainy day now has me as the subject of the picturesque scene, Reader and Cat. But more often than not, I’m sleeping, book, glasses, and cat cast aside on the bed, along with a heating pad, melted ice pack, TENS unit, muscle rub, and pill bottles. My curtains are drawn closed.

Now, rainy days taunt me. I’m breathless, unsmiling, waiting for the clouds to swim away so the air pressure equalizes and my pain subsides.

Yesterday it rained, and it looks like stormy skies again today. Reading my devotional this morning,  focusing was impossible. My brain fog was thick.

I crave the joy of the Lord today because it is my strength. I tend to think rainy days, and while I know that I have my Savior’s sweet joy inside me, it does not show. It doesn’t bubble over to others. My light is hidden under a bushel.

Work is difficult on days like today, because my mind is trudging through the hours to find light, illusive light.

My brain and body are both so very tired. I feel like I must’ve run a marathon yesterday, but the truth is, I laid in bed hoping for the sun that didn’t come out.

I don’t have time for this. I need to work, close sales, lead my team to success, get some revenue coming in this week. I’m frustrated and usettled!

God is battling me today. He is forcing me to rest against my will. My brain says I’m not lazy, but to any onlooker, my actions, my weight gain announce my laziness.

Funny how I didn’t mind looking crazy dancing in the rain, but I’m bothered by appearing to be a sluggard. This is not the me I love.

The rain that used to open my petals now drowns me.

Will it rain in heaven? It will rain in my heaven.

Rain will fall and I will dance in my new, fibro-free body! Jesus cheering me on, calling me the beautiful name I don’t yet know. My joy will bubble over to the children of God dancing with me, praising and loving and laughing.

Until then, rainy days require my faith, my trust that he is working all things together for my good. They require me to dwell on what he thinks of me, not on what others think based on appearances.

The work I do on rainy days is a necessary work of the Christian heart. Jesus designs customized lessons for each of his children, and on this overcast day, my assignment is to work on trusting him, to rest physically and mentally, to be still.

It’s so hard for this child to be still. Especially on rainy days.

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